The Things Drunken White People Do

There is a stigma that all drunk people are just drunk people.  They all act the same: drunk.  Well, call me Christopher Columbus because I have discovered a new world.  It's called the land of drunken white people.  And they do really dumb things.

So, let's do simple math (because if you are reading this blog, you might still be a little drunk from last night).  Patrons go out to drink.  They drink alcohol.  Alcohol makes you drunk.  So, for those of you who need that even more simplified:

Patrons + Alcohol = Drunk

What we can assume is that if you keep at it, you will get drunk.  Yet, white people test this theory...  And take double fisting to a whole new level.  Not only is having two drinks in hand not enough, you must drink them both simultaneously.  My question is, "Do you not think drunkenness will happen?"  or "Can sloppy drunken white man not wait any longer to make an appearance at the party soon enough?"

I think the answer is similar to the same question Tootsie Pop has been using in advertisements, "The world may never know."





We continue our journey through the night, pounding beers (two at a time now, because that is what 'all the cool people are doing') and now we are drunk.  Dancing is the next thing that white people gravitate towards.  (Because sober dancing is 'not what all the cool people are doing'.)

Now, there are lots of white men who can dance:  Justin Bieber, Justin Timberlake, so obviously if your name is Justin, you have a fighting chance.  Neither of these two guys' names are Justin.

The paradox is that it is usually to an Usher song.  "Yeah, watch me pop-and-lock like Ushaaaaaaaa."  And the picture to the left is what happens.  A man who looks like he is wearing a back brace and a man who looks like he is pooping.

Not only have these two gentlemen sandwiched this streetwalker in between themselves, but I witnessed her getting whiplash from all the humping they were bestowing upon her.

I like to call it "sex with clothes on" because white men (other than the aforementioned Justins) think this is actually dancing and if she didn't have on at least that little spandex skirt which barely covers her business, I would have to call Maury Povich to find out who her baby daddy is.

(SIDE NOTE:  Night at the Roxbury is cool to laugh at, not to imitate.  Humping a girl between you and your friend is just that...  Cool to laugh at.)

Progressing through the night, we've seen double fisting at it's best and attempting to make a pancake out of a harlot, so now the tough guy phase happens. The skinniest, nerdiest, most beanpole-looking men with names like Eugene think they are MMA fighters.

Why?

It might have something to do with the the copious amounts of Mad Dog in their system, but, hey, I don't judge.  Well, except for when you are this guy:

Other than this being an amazing butt shot of the police officer, this photo shows what happens when beer muscles happen.  Let's follow simple math again:  Drunk man puts random people in a headlock.  Drunk man gets kicked out.  Drunk man tries to punch sober bouncers.  Drunk man gets arrested.  Even more simplified:

Drunk man + Drunken antics = Rap Sheet

"Absolutely, sir, your khaki pants scream real gangsta rep."

If this situation were back in middle school, he would've gotten an atomic wedgie topped off by a swirly.  And, quite frankly, I am amazed the officer resisted.  Kudos to you Officer Rump Shot.  Kudos.

I dare you to prove me wrong.  And when you don't, I have my smart phone ready so I can post about you on this blog.