Alcohol Makes Everyone an Expert

Slammin' back some Captains, hoping the hooch makes your night better.  Yeah, forget those idiots since they... Oh, no.  Empty.  Sad face!  "Bartender!  Make it a double."  Let's pass the time, polite conversation with the bartender since no one sitting within two feet of you indulged your bar talk.

It's inevitable.  As distanced as I can stay sometimes from patrons, they will ask normal questions and learn small facts about me.  It ranges from the normal, like age and where I grew up, to the weird like what I do for my fingernails to be so sexy (see picture for why this is a weird question).

But what gets me is that after a few, everyone thinks they are an expert on almost every subject.  Housewives are experts on mill work; mechanics on dress alterations; professional couch potatoes on treadmills.  Okay, okay, there's always the exceptions.  Ronald Reagan was a B-Movie actor and then became President.  Angelina Jolie is an actress and humanitarian.  Charlie Sheen has an acting career and alive, his biggest accomplishment after 40. (The tiger blood is working wonders.)

These exceptions are really far and few between.  Most likely you aren't one of them.  So, the apparent conclusion is that love hearing advice about pieces of my life on which I didn't ask your opinion.

These subjects range from:

• Getting a good man (because I can't find one on my own)
• Being a gold digger without being labeled as one (because that is what every woman should strive to do...  Obviously)
• Improving your sex life post 35 (because that is what I've dreamed bar talk would turn into with strangers: 35-year-old plus crotch talk)

I want to be VERY clear on the last subject.  Please don't tell me about ANYTHING that has to do south of the border.  This isn't Taco Bell.  I don't care, am not interested, don't feel bad for you, and don't want to be haunted in my dreams by anything you would divulge.

Yet, there is one piece of advice that sticks out in my mind as being the most unwanted, to date:

"Oh, honey, you need to get married.  You're waiting too long.  If you wait any longer, all your eggs will dry up and you won't be able to have kids like me."

Thank you sad and drunken lady at my bar.  Because I was really hoping you'd be my mentor into the "Cat Lady" Phase of my life.  You've made me realize that mid-20s is pushing old maid status and I should be popping out kids like the Duggars's army on TLC.

Gary Busey.

Even Gary Busey might be able to pick up on the atom bomb social awkwardness you just dropped on me.

What about my face said, "Please give me advice.  You seem so stable!"?

If you're a doctor give me advice on medical things, and accountant on money, a drunkard on alcohol.  Keep your pants on, your hand on your bar glass, and let's all stick to what we know.