Every shift there is always one person, typically a gentleman, who rehashes the "Glory Days" of their youth. And while Bruce Springsteen's songs might be a good theme song for some old football VHS highlight reels, what I see and hear is on the verge of breaking out the American flag Zubaz pants because retro is in fashion right now.
Now, I want to be very clear to you delusional loonies, you were not a D1 football prospect, and near MLB baseball player, nor were you a beauty queen that was jipped of your title... You were a normal human being, and my BS meter is going off right now. But with every bottle of Miller High Life, The Champagne of Beers, because you are extra high class, you add more details to the story. "I was a football star, baseball star, inventor of Nike shoes, and the real Hugh Hefner."
Oh, realllllllly?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you got extra high-fives from your coach because you worked hard. That is code for you suck, so I'm going to give you encouragement. If you think wearing this was cool:
via: iwasa90skid.blogspot.com
Then you were probably closer to this social status:
via: bossip.com
Do you really think I would fall for the fact that you, 5'2" man, with dainty fingers, and your stylist New Balances, was a local athlete superstar? Oh JoePa PERSONALLY made you dinner at his house to recruit you? Translation: You were in the band. (And this isn't a slam on band geeks, I was one, but I don't claim to be a basketball superstar. Yes, I played sports, but I also geeked it out, and tell people that.)
This isn't only men. Women are just as bad. Everyone was a beauty queen or model at some point. Noooobody ever had an awkward stage. We were all the poplar Amy Adamses from Mean Girls, and looked like Kate Moss wearing fashionable clothes. Nine times out of ten, you might have been a model if there was a product for bleaching women's mustaches.
Inside every Uncle Rico, there is a Napoleon Dynamite. And there is never any exception at at bar.
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