I'm Not Your Babysitter, That's Why You're Cut Off

Everyone has been cut off from alcohol in their life, and if you are one of the few who hasn't, I'm sure you should have been at least once.  Yes, it's embarrassing, but it's a part of your drinking life that happens.  (It's like farting; no one wants to think about cutting the cheese, but everyone has let one loose.  It's life.)  But there are really good reasons why people get cut off, and not just for your embarrassment.

WE DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE.

Plain and simple.  Reread that statement and pretend I underlined it, italicized it, highlighted it, and pretend Gordon Ramsay is yelling it at you.

When you're cut off, the worst thing you can do is hurl and expect the, "My stomach is empty now, I can drink more" excuse will work, you're not Winning! Charlie Sheen, you're just a drunken idiot; one that just  yakked on my bar.

via 3quarksdaily.com

Vomiting is the best indication that you absolutely, no questions asked, need cut off.  Yeah, you regurgitated the contents of your stomach, but that doesn't mean you made room for another Jack and coke.  The often venerated, "Puke and rally," had to have been made up by the devil who doesn't care if you kick the bucket (and I don't think this Devil wears Prada, probably just a pitchfork).

Also, think twice about lying to me about why you and the toilet were best buds for 20 minutes.  I don't think you were checking out the seat-to-cheek ratios every stall has.  Remember, I'm the sober one.

And, helloooo?  You still have pukey eyes.  It's that obvious.

via smosh.com

Once you're drunk, I have no idea what the heck your rationale might be.  Since I am fresh out of leashes for humans, I refuse to be your babysitter.  (I will say the idea of tethering idiot adults to posts like dogs does amuse me, but I'm going on a limb to say there are probably laws against it.)

Although baby proofing you and hiring a sitter would cover all my bases, tequila will make you do strange things you never thought was possible.  If I treated you like a chicken pox patient, I'd tape socks on your hands so you don't scratch, but then you'd run face first into a wall to see what would happen.

Your best remedy is a designated driver and some sleep.  So next time, don't cuss out your bartenders, thank them.  They want your drunk butt to come in next time.

Guest Blogger: Miss Rebecca

There is a moment—frequently reached by many—when you meet your breaking point with a frustrating, impossible person, and you find yourself muttering the all too common question: what makes a person act this way?

Although I am not, and never have been a bartender, I am surprisingly still very much able to share a sober tale in a drunken world. My sober tale does not involve alcohol-induced drunkenness (or so I assume), but rather, it involves movie theater patrons intoxicated by a large dose of poor social etiquette. 

With that said, my past job working as a concession attendant at a movie theater had me asking my aforementioned question by the hour, on the hour. 

When you think movie theaters, intoxication probably does not come to mind.  Popcorn, Raisinettes, Coke and countless others only seem reasonable, but never drunkenness. I am here to tell you, think again.  I’m letting you know now, prepare to wrap your head around a few sober tales guaranteed to be original and unfathomable by a sober mind.

My experiences begin after the movies let out.  All of the movie-goers filter out of the theater, leaving all of their trash behind.  My job is to pick up their filth. 

Encounters with leftover trash in the theaters ranges from popcorn crumbs to rubber gloves filled with mysterious substances, which I still to this day care to know nothing about in the slightest.  I expect to toss cups, popcorn bags, candy boxes, even the occasional fast food bag, but an 18” pizza box?  How did you get that into the theater?  At that point, I’m not even mad; I am impressed. 

Yes, it gets weirder than a pizza box. A co-worker of mine struck gold one night. He was strolling down the aisles and kicked a rotisserie chicken. Plates? No. Napkins? No. Bite marks in the chicken?  Yes.  All I could picture was a ravenous beast pressing the chicken to its mouth, biting and chewing uncontrollably.  What were they thinking?  Are we in the stone age?  (Okay, you snuck the pizza box past me. Kudos to you, but a rotisserie chicken?  How?!  Shame on me.)

M&M’s, sure. A bottle of water, yes.  Hell, I encourage it.  I know how much a bag of popcorn goes for these days: $11.00 and your first born (but don’t forget that one free refill!). 

My discoveries didn’t stop at the mutilated chicken. 

Movie-goers often forget their items in the theater . We’ve all been there.  But the normality at forgetfulness stops with this next one.

I had a customer ask if any sunglasses were found in the theater.  I assured them the theater was combed through with no sunglasses found.  But, they reassured me they absolutely, positively had to be in there, because they distinctly remembered placing their sunglasses on their baby’s dirty diaper.  (You know, naturally, like normal humans do.)   I was beginning to think I was way overpaid at $7.85 an hour, but thank you for the reassurance.

Here comes the big kahuna.  I know you’ve heard of the movie with the blue creatures.  Well, if you haven’t, I know you’ll never forget it or think of it the same again. 

I was in the back room grabbing a few extra rolls of paper towels when a co-worker walked in looking for a mop and sanitizing spray.  She seemed a little frazzled to say the least. 

“Someone left me a little surprise on the floor of theater 8,” she said. “He got a little too excited at the movie.”
Leave it to me to exploit an awkward, humorous situation.
“Was it Sprite?”
“No.”
“Was it pee?”
“No, let’s just say he went up and down and around the mountain.”

You got it, folks, masturbating in the theater. 

I’m sticking with one of my co-worker’s comments. If it takes blue people to get the guy off, at the very least let him finish.

I know, I know. What were they all thinking? They had to have been drunk … or so you would think ... hope.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, e.g.: Manners!

It's busy, maybe three deep at at bar, and you're thirsty.  You see the bartender through the sea of people, then as if the Red Sea had parted by Moses himself, you see an opening and you dart to the bar hoping you are one step closer to getting your beer.

You aren't noticed right away.  You start flashing your money in the air; that doesn't work.  You start snapping your fingers; the doesn't work.  You start yelling to get the bartender's attention; that doesn't work.  You get impatient.  How long can it possibly take to get a beer?  I mean, you twist off a cap, cash them out and move on.

Obviously this is why you aren't being served.

Remember the everything I need to know, I learned in kindergarten signs?

There's a reason why this is so popular.  Because small teachings when we were younger still hold true when we are adults.  Remember, "what's the magic word?"  Yes, please and thank you go a LONG way when you want something.

Personally, if you want a bartender's attention, learn their name, say, "Excuse me", and know what you want.  There is nothing worse than an impatient bar patron flashing money, like it's bait for a fish.

WE'RE NOT STRIPPERS.  If we were, we'd have names like Cherri Pie and come with bios about how many golf balls we can fit in our mouths at the same time.



Also, if you think we're all motivated by money, ask yourself this question:


Are you this guy:

My guess is no.  But, if you think that you're just as good as him, you're probably this guy:

Remember:  Your money is just as good as the next guy's, whose money we will also be glad to take.  But you are probably looking to get boozed up, and we'll make you the soberest person in the place, and then you won't have an excuse as to why you are an idiot.  So learn your manners, and then you can blame it on the alcohol.