Guest Blogger: Miss Rebecca

There is a moment—frequently reached by many—when you meet your breaking point with a frustrating, impossible person, and you find yourself muttering the all too common question: what makes a person act this way?

Although I am not, and never have been a bartender, I am surprisingly still very much able to share a sober tale in a drunken world. My sober tale does not involve alcohol-induced drunkenness (or so I assume), but rather, it involves movie theater patrons intoxicated by a large dose of poor social etiquette. 

With that said, my past job working as a concession attendant at a movie theater had me asking my aforementioned question by the hour, on the hour. 

When you think movie theaters, intoxication probably does not come to mind.  Popcorn, Raisinettes, Coke and countless others only seem reasonable, but never drunkenness. I am here to tell you, think again.  I’m letting you know now, prepare to wrap your head around a few sober tales guaranteed to be original and unfathomable by a sober mind.

My experiences begin after the movies let out.  All of the movie-goers filter out of the theater, leaving all of their trash behind.  My job is to pick up their filth. 

Encounters with leftover trash in the theaters ranges from popcorn crumbs to rubber gloves filled with mysterious substances, which I still to this day care to know nothing about in the slightest.  I expect to toss cups, popcorn bags, candy boxes, even the occasional fast food bag, but an 18” pizza box?  How did you get that into the theater?  At that point, I’m not even mad; I am impressed. 

Yes, it gets weirder than a pizza box. A co-worker of mine struck gold one night. He was strolling down the aisles and kicked a rotisserie chicken. Plates? No. Napkins? No. Bite marks in the chicken?  Yes.  All I could picture was a ravenous beast pressing the chicken to its mouth, biting and chewing uncontrollably.  What were they thinking?  Are we in the stone age?  (Okay, you snuck the pizza box past me. Kudos to you, but a rotisserie chicken?  How?!  Shame on me.)

M&M’s, sure. A bottle of water, yes.  Hell, I encourage it.  I know how much a bag of popcorn goes for these days: $11.00 and your first born (but don’t forget that one free refill!). 

My discoveries didn’t stop at the mutilated chicken. 

Movie-goers often forget their items in the theater . We’ve all been there.  But the normality at forgetfulness stops with this next one.

I had a customer ask if any sunglasses were found in the theater.  I assured them the theater was combed through with no sunglasses found.  But, they reassured me they absolutely, positively had to be in there, because they distinctly remembered placing their sunglasses on their baby’s dirty diaper.  (You know, naturally, like normal humans do.)   I was beginning to think I was way overpaid at $7.85 an hour, but thank you for the reassurance.

Here comes the big kahuna.  I know you’ve heard of the movie with the blue creatures.  Well, if you haven’t, I know you’ll never forget it or think of it the same again. 

I was in the back room grabbing a few extra rolls of paper towels when a co-worker walked in looking for a mop and sanitizing spray.  She seemed a little frazzled to say the least. 

“Someone left me a little surprise on the floor of theater 8,” she said. “He got a little too excited at the movie.”
Leave it to me to exploit an awkward, humorous situation.
“Was it Sprite?”
“No.”
“Was it pee?”
“No, let’s just say he went up and down and around the mountain.”

You got it, folks, masturbating in the theater. 

I’m sticking with one of my co-worker’s comments. If it takes blue people to get the guy off, at the very least let him finish.

I know, I know. What were they all thinking? They had to have been drunk … or so you would think ... hope.