Guest Post: Hans Fluffernutter

There is currently a drinking commercial that annoys me to no end: 

I'm calling you out DiSaronno.

DiSoronno on the rocks with cranberry, or whatever terrible mixer, is no longer DiSaronno on the rocks, it's your crappy liquor with cranberry!  Amateurs.  IT IS NOT A DRINK ON THE ROCKS IF YOU MIX SOMETHING ELSE WITH IT!


It would be like pouring a can of Miller Lite in a cup and calling it draft beer.  It's a can of Miller Lite poured into a cup.


This blog is about booze and whatnot so I should talk about it.

Note to bartenders - when the place is empty, you act like an idiot and take forever to serve someone, there's a good chance it'll affect your tip.  Not getting tipped at all might be an extreme, but it should be noted.  (Meant for a specific bar in the Burgh, you know who you are.)

Note to patrons - if you like a lot of booze and want extra, just get your drink neat or on the rocks (but not DiSaronno because they obviously don't know about drinking either); don't order a mixed drink and then complain about it being weak.  Also, just order something normal.  Nothing is worse than someone dragging out the bartenders time for some fancy drink.  I just want my booze.

Guys, never buy a girl a drink in a bar if you just met her.  She is just flirting for a free drink.  This is a fact.  If a girl is truly interested, she will buy you a drink.  (I always buy my own drinks.)

Hold off breaking the seal as long as you can.  Those lines for the bathroom can be murder.  But, as much as Billy Madison might have said, "Peeing your pants is cool!", it's really not, so make sure you go before that happens.

Things you should never talk about at a bar: politics, religion, and Boston (because if someone is there from Boston, they are annoying as can be and you'll never hear the end of it).

Don't be mad if you get cut off at a bar.  It's not the bartenders job to babysit you.  It's not amateur hour.  Act like you've been there before.

Any type of whiskey with a meal is a bad idea.  The whiskey kills the flavor of the food on your palate.  Drink beer.  Drink anything else.  As long as it's not DiSaronno.

When at a bar, please do not play death metal.  There's nothing less enjoyable with alcohol than "Kill your mom!  Kill yourself!  Kill your fish!" music.  (Again, you know what bar your are!)


What have we learned today?  Don't be an idiot when you drink.

Keep on drinkin.

Bartering for Beers, Classic

So, a man walks into a bar, and says, "Bartender, I'll have a beer."  Then reaches into his pocket pulls out tons of miscellaneous items.  Counts out all of his loose change and says, "I have $2.41 and some m&ms.  What kind of beer can I get for that?" (True story.)

There are certain things that happen every bartending shift, that no matter how weird your day is, they are guaranteed to happen: customers come in, they receive their goods, they cash out, and then leave.  Literally the ABCs to a bartending shift.

When you bartend, you can usually pick out the people who drink socially, are looking to get sauced, and those who are jonesing for alcohol so bad they would probably suck an alcohol swab dry.

Sometimes I run across Mr. Swab Sucker that must thinks he found a DeLorean and traveled back to the Old West, where the bartering system is still in use.

Not that some things aren't worth bartering for, such as swapping a monetary tip for Steelers tickets, but when your payment offerings are m&ms that are so scuzzy that the red ones have turned pink, I would start to think you are sniffing glue with your alcohol swab dinner.

I can't trade cows and chickens for moonshine.  And this isn't 1864.

Can you imagine if I tendered m&ms for payment?  That would mean I could pay my bills in Twizzlers and Skittles, and maybe buy a house worth 1,000 previously chewed gum wads.

Let me be frank for a moment...  If you are paying in nickels and dimes to begin with, give your couch a shake down and you can probably come up with enough for a bottle of Vlady from the liquor store.  As much as I'd like to entertain bartering as a classic American game, Monopoly money isn't real money, and neither are m&ms.

Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten, e.g.: Manners!

It's busy, maybe three deep at at bar, and you're thirsty.  You see the bartender through the sea of people, then as if the Red Sea had parted by Moses himself, you see an opening and you dart to the bar hoping you are one step closer to getting your beer.

You aren't noticed right away.  You start flashing your money in the air; that doesn't work.  You start snapping your fingers; the doesn't work.  You start yelling to get the bartender's attention; that doesn't work.  You get impatient.  How long can it possibly take to get a beer?  I mean, you twist off a cap, cash them out and move on.

Obviously this is why you aren't being served.

Remember the everything I need to know, I learned in kindergarten signs?

There's a reason why this is so popular.  Because small teachings when we were younger still hold true when we are adults.  Remember, "what's the magic word?"  Yes, please and thank you go a LONG way when you want something.

Personally, if you want a bartender's attention, learn their name, say, "Excuse me", and know what you want.  There is nothing worse than an impatient bar patron flashing money, like it's bait for a fish.

WE'RE NOT STRIPPERS.  If we were, we'd have names like Cherri Pie and come with bios about how many golf balls we can fit in our mouths at the same time.



Also, if you think we're all motivated by money, ask yourself this question:


Are you this guy:

My guess is no.  But, if you think that you're just as good as him, you're probably this guy:

Remember:  Your money is just as good as the next guy's, whose money we will also be glad to take.  But you are probably looking to get boozed up, and we'll make you the soberest person in the place, and then you won't have an excuse as to why you are an idiot.  So learn your manners, and then you can blame it on the alcohol.

"That Guy"

The ideal bar for most is what was depicted in Cheers, "where everyone knows your name."  But do you really want your name to be "that guy"?

We all know who "that guy" is.  It's the one that most people don't know by birth name, but by some distinguishing characteristic; usually one no one says to their face because it's mocking or making-fun of them.  Such as, "Do you know Dave So-and-so?...No?  Oh, I mean Drunk Dave."  i.e.: the guy who brings a case of beer with him wherever he goes, for no other reason than because he wants to make sure no one else drinks it.  "Ohhhh, that guy."

There are many other "that guy" qualifications, such as "creeping", where you just say creepy things and weird everyone out, "scrooging", where the terrible tipping rumor spreads like wild fire and you hear "Bah, humbug!" way past the Christmas season, and "excessive blasting", where your bodily functions (like chair rumbling) will get you permanently labeled as "Toots McGoots" for life.
NOTE:  These are real things, inspired by real life.  If you think I don't know a "Toots McGoots", think again.

Everyone has their nights; drunk nights, sick nights, bad nights, and embarrassing nights.  They key is to be normal every once in a while (with the exception of the creeping, scrooging, and blasting, which are pretty permanent labels).

You don't need a gimmick other than normalcy.  We relish in the idea of having regular people who don't cause problems or make us reach for our pepper spray at the end of the night.  Don't be "that guy".