Buying Drinks Only Make That Girl Drunker

You are out to meet a new "lady friend" (because some of you hate the word girlfriend) at a bar.  But how do you get a girl's attention?  There are so many guys here the phrase sausage fest has never been more appropriate.  Nice, some knockers just walked by, game on.  You need to direct her attention your way.  What to do?

Does this girl want you, or the hot guy next to you?

"Bartender, buy that girl another drink."

Nice work.  Your common sense is on the level with Britney Spears, who thinks Japan is in Africa.  (And I wonder if she can see it from her house?)

Why is this a bad idea?  I mean, why is spitting into the wind a bad idea?  Because it just isn't a good idea.  A girl accepting your drink means she wants alcohol, not that she is interested.


Men, I will tell you something that I feel like you should have known by now, but you haven't caught on yet:  MEN DON'T KNOW WOMEN.  They don't think like you, so don't assume you know ANYTHING when it comes to them.

The reason why she can do this is because there are so many saps out there who see a pair of hoo-hoos and will shell out money to get close to them.

You're trying to bribe her for her companionship.  And what do we call that ladies and gentleman?  A sugar daddy, well, either that or someone seeking the company of an escort.  A $4 vodka cranberry is supposed to make her allegiance to you?

Let's reverse it.  A girl buys you a pack of batteries, does that mean anything to you?  Are you going to drop everything to talk to her?  I doubt it, but you'll probably end up changing the batteries in all of her remotes.

Who makes out on this deal?  The women, because they realize that boobies = booze.  Men just haven't gotten past the boobies part of the equation.  Simple as that.

It's why women can be groupies to a rockstars.  Men see boobies and women get what they want.  Why is this flawed for you?  You should be able to get what you want in this scenario!  Well...  You're not a rockstar.

Buying drinks for women will only get them drunk and your wallet empty.

Guest Post: Hans Fluffernutter

There is currently a drinking commercial that annoys me to no end: 

I'm calling you out DiSaronno.

DiSoronno on the rocks with cranberry, or whatever terrible mixer, is no longer DiSaronno on the rocks, it's your crappy liquor with cranberry!  Amateurs.  IT IS NOT A DRINK ON THE ROCKS IF YOU MIX SOMETHING ELSE WITH IT!


It would be like pouring a can of Miller Lite in a cup and calling it draft beer.  It's a can of Miller Lite poured into a cup.


This blog is about booze and whatnot so I should talk about it.

Note to bartenders - when the place is empty, you act like an idiot and take forever to serve someone, there's a good chance it'll affect your tip.  Not getting tipped at all might be an extreme, but it should be noted.  (Meant for a specific bar in the Burgh, you know who you are.)

Note to patrons - if you like a lot of booze and want extra, just get your drink neat or on the rocks (but not DiSaronno because they obviously don't know about drinking either); don't order a mixed drink and then complain about it being weak.  Also, just order something normal.  Nothing is worse than someone dragging out the bartenders time for some fancy drink.  I just want my booze.

Guys, never buy a girl a drink in a bar if you just met her.  She is just flirting for a free drink.  This is a fact.  If a girl is truly interested, she will buy you a drink.  (I always buy my own drinks.)

Hold off breaking the seal as long as you can.  Those lines for the bathroom can be murder.  But, as much as Billy Madison might have said, "Peeing your pants is cool!", it's really not, so make sure you go before that happens.

Things you should never talk about at a bar: politics, religion, and Boston (because if someone is there from Boston, they are annoying as can be and you'll never hear the end of it).

Don't be mad if you get cut off at a bar.  It's not the bartenders job to babysit you.  It's not amateur hour.  Act like you've been there before.

Any type of whiskey with a meal is a bad idea.  The whiskey kills the flavor of the food on your palate.  Drink beer.  Drink anything else.  As long as it's not DiSaronno.

When at a bar, please do not play death metal.  There's nothing less enjoyable with alcohol than "Kill your mom!  Kill yourself!  Kill your fish!" music.  (Again, you know what bar your are!)


What have we learned today?  Don't be an idiot when you drink.

Keep on drinkin.

D-Bag Alert!

Single men and women (and sometimes not so single people) are always looking to find a mate at a bar.  (Which is typically a terrible decision, but that's a post for another day.)  It often baffles me when women's radars are tuned to the biggest idiot in the place even if they are amassed in nice guys. The biggest kicker is when they get hurt, dumped, cheated on, or just treated terribly and cry, "I don't know what happened.  I can't believe he did this to me!"

Well, get with it sister, because most of us saw it coming, and all you had to do was ask your bartender.

I'm gonna test you.  These three guys are at the bar with you.  Which one is the d-bag?

via Flickr



via UM News



via pointincase.com

If you didn't guess all three then you were wrong.  Why?  Because it's all about the shtick.

The shtick can be anything that stands out in a crowd; loud clothing to scream attention, sunglasses indoors (and usually at night) because it creates "mystery", the sad guy because it makes people want to talk to him and console him, the muscle shirt to show off his biceps (even though it might be 40 degrees outside), etc. 

Personally, my favorite is the sunglasses man.  I have to fight the urge to sing, "I wear my sunglasses at night... So I can, so I can..."

Speaking of which, Corey Hart, original d-bag.




It's amazing that girls can't see past the rouse sometimes.  What about this gentleman's TapOut t-shirt intrigues you?  That maybe he'll teach you some MMA moves?  Sorry to burst your bubble but he's probably nothing more than a jacked up Daniel-San.

Bartenders have seen every type of distraction in d-baggery known to man:  I have tons of money = My parents still give me an allowance; I have a really nice house = I live in my parent's basement; I like wearing blazers because I'm a refined man = I will be outside your bedroom window later watching you sleep, but it's okay because I'll do it Corey Hart style with my sunglasses on.

If these degenerates were any more obvious they would come with their own neon signs announcing it.  (And I think the men's neon orange Jersey Shore glow technically counts as such.)

What have we learned today?  D-Bags are everywhere.  Beware.

Fifteen Percent, Smifteen Percent

You had a great night at the bar, and buzzed might be a little bit of an understatement.  You check out your bill, and you know it's been a good night.  If you stay any longer, your bartender will probably start to charge you rent.  Time to cash out and tip.  (Okay, carry the one...  Add the two...)  Ahhh, 15%.  You are so impressed you can even do math right now.

Although math skills are impressive, this isn't the SAT.  Whatever bonehead started the 15%-flat-rate-no-matter-what rumor needs a serious Silence of the Lambs muzzle, because that idiot has started a trend to which no diner/drinker should wholly adhere.

Why?

There's nothing more frustrating than working extra hard for a tip and getting next to nothing.  There had to have been too many occasions when I almost grew an extra 5-feet, turned green, and almost ripped someone's face off.  I'd love to let the Hulk out, but I'd also love to have a job the next day.

There are a lot of things that go into tipping other than bill total.  First, if you have put in a longer shift or close to what the bartender is putting in (and I'm not judging), you might want to consider the tushie time you have put in.

If your rear has been parked in the same spot so long that you are almost fused with the bar stool, you need to tip according to time.  You're taking up a spot other people coming through would've occupied and tipped.  Just use the 15% as a guide and not absolute.

I have heard the rule of not leaving coins on the bar for a bartender.  I will say, I'm okay with it, as long as you are leaving bills along with it.  If you leave your dimes and pennies only, you better come prepared with a helmet because I've seen and heard about bartenders whipping the change back at the patron.  You will see the girliest of girls turn into Randy Johnson throwing straight nickle heaters back.

I also want to leave you with a little bit of advice, in case some of you think you're James Bond.  Don't ever not tip a bartender when it is busy because you don't think we notice.  A BARTENDER ALWAYS KNOWS, and we are always willing to help you out with a coin concussion to keep you reminded.

Bumpin' Uglies in the Bathroom

When you love someone, it's inevitable that when alcohol is involved, you tend to show it more; extra kisses, extra hugs, excessive amounts of I love yous.  And why shouldn't you?  Showing those you love is never a bad thing.  So what?  You're in public, as if people haven't seen a few extra smooches before...  And footsies...  And leg touches...  And your tongue in someone's ear...

Do you see where I'm going with this?

I understand that alcohol takes inhibitions away, which could be an excuse for why some people go to bars for picking up "dates", but I don't think I will ever understand the escalation to bumping uglies in the bathroom.

Recently I caught a couple trying to sneak into the men's restroom together.  Because nothing screams, "Do me!" like urinals and pee-pee soaked floors.  Next time choose ask the bartender where the bar's dumpster is because you want a cleaner place to play hide the salami.  At least the couple that tried this two weeks before chose the women's room.  Women actually care about aim.  Sometimes I think men try to make a urine mural in a bathroom, and just because you can't see it isn't there.  And there isn't a sanitizer in a bar that gets out the "just peed on" smell you just perfumed your clothes with.

When you drink with the opposite sex, the alcohol produces a Booze Haze that makes you less aware of your surroundings (much like the Alcohol Induced Headphone Syndrome I referred to in "Bar Ears"), i.e.: people who are watching you doing some heavy petting on the bar stool.

You don't have superhero powers that make you invisible.  But, if you think you are super sneaky, think of yourself as Wonder Woman in her invisible jet.  IT'S INVISIBLE, just like the barriers you think are up at the bar.  You can see Wonder Woman, right?  Well, we can see you, too, Mr. and Ms. Crotch Rubbers.

Even paid escorts have enough sense to find hourly rate places that are close.  So take a page from their book and scout the Motel 6s nearby, your bartender will be grateful that customers without public nudity charges patronize the bar.

Cheers to You, Smirnoff Ice Man

Oftentimes this blog takes on mocking many things about the bartending experience, but "Cheers to You" does the opposite.  I toast those who make me think, and that is just plain awesome.

A man's drink says a lot about the man himself.  Cheap beer bought by someone young usually means a college student, martinis usually mean refinement, long islands usually that someone wants some punch in their drinks.  But there is one man that is seldom seen and confuses me enough that I think he is awesome.  The Smirnoff Ice Drinking Man.


Not only are you hard to find, but when you surface, you order that drink with such certainty that I don't even question it.

You don't Bro-Ice your bros because you just don't waste good alcohol like that.  Feeling the burn of "good" scotch or the harshness of beer just isn't what you're into, and you don't think that makes you a sissy.  And come to think of it, other men drink pink mixed drinks or use fruit to make beer taste better; so you're response is, "Who's the real sissy now?"

 So, cheers to you, sir!  You drink Smirnoff Ice because you  like the taste and just don't give a damn about what other people say.

Tobacco, Gum, and Boogers! Oh My!

Ah, finally ushered a few drinkers out.  As a bartender, I know the cleaner the bar, the more likely you are to fill the open spots.  I take the beer/cocktail glasses to the sink, take dishes to be washed, then start clearing away the throw-away stuff...  And as I reach for your napkin, my hand instantly regrets not flipping you the bird before you departed.

"Haha, yeah, I hawked a loogie," said the Mailman from Ohio (and I had complete permission to quote him).

Have you ever heard the term, "...and a cherry on top"?  That cherry is what makes the experience complete.  To ensure a shift will be demanding (to get through without alcohol), leave your tobacco chew, chewed gum, and snot rags behind for us to clean up.

As if dealing with wack-a-doos on a daily basis wasn't enough, you leave us bodily fluids that you have expelled from your body...  As if touching boogers should be a normal part to my workday.

You can't just say, "What?  It's not like you can get my cooties" or "Everyone does it, so it's not that gross."  Well, if this were an Everybody Poops book, that would make sense.  But this situation would be Everybody Poops on My Kitchen Table.

I'll flip it on you:  After a dinner party, you are cleaning up.  You stumble upon something on the floor.  You pick it up and throw it away.  Then a cold realization sets in when you know what it was, and you feel like vomiting.  What was it?  A used tampon (and yeah, I realize, this is gross).  But, I bet you're thinking the culprit is more than a Cootie Queen.

And my response to the bar culprits is more than, "Pickle you, kumquat."

I'm going to tell you about a newfangled invention that bars have, that are really great for things like this.  They are typically round, sometimes ovule, maybe 2-3 ft. high, and are hollow.  They are called garbage cans.  And they are found throughout the bar.

Anything you are pulling out, spitting out, blowing out, etc. from your body, feel free to dispose of it yourself.  Otherwise, being called a "lint licker" will easily be the best moniker you'll be dubbed.