Drinker's Therapy

Many people are against therapy for many reasons.  They don't need it, they don't want to talk to strangers, they think they can find the solution on their own, etc.  Yet, it is ironic that a few visits and a few beers will open up the floodgates for patrons and their problems, making me Interim Therapist for the night (or however long the problem persists).

Now, I rank my listening skills incredibly high, mostly because I hear things I don't always want to, but also because I have to do what makes the customer happy.  A lot of the time that is hearing about their problems, and boy do people have problems after sippin' down a few vodka tonics.

People smell alcohol and it's as if the Hoover Dam let loose every problem known to man.  They are drunk with word vomit.  Sometimes it ranges from the bizarre (like how you want to kill your boyfriend's cats) to the "I'm not sure why you are telling me this because it is really none of my business" (like how your sex life is as lively as the celibate Jonas brothers, and you're afraid the phrase "Use it, or lose it" might pertain to you).  Why are these things you think you want to say out loud?  (Hint: PETA or Vivid Entertainment can help you out a little bit.)

Sometimes hearing other people's problems puts my own life into persepctive, but I'll play devil's advocate for a moment.  Even though you won't see a therapist because they are a stranger to you, do you know your bartender's last name?  Can you name 5 things about them that do not pertain to their job?  Maybe 1-of-10 might be able to do that, and that is being liberal with numbers.  The only difference between us and a licensed therapist is that we can tell you unprofessional things like you need to pull your bra straps up, finish your drink, and leave.  (And I always suggest you take your bartender's advice, otherwise you get a great nickname like "Train wreck" for the remainder of time you patronize that bar.)

There's a rule of thumb.  Don't ask for advice unless you might actually take it.  There is nothing I hate more than hearing about the same problem over and over again with no resolution.  "I hate my husband and I'm cheating on him with several people", "My boyfriend won't marry me", "My wife doesn't trust me", "I'm broke".  It just sounds like I need to call the Wahhhhhm-bulance to take you away.

For most of these, the resolution is to stop drinking nearly as much as you do.  Moreover, please don't complain to me about the same thing over-and-over-and-over...  You asked my opinion, I gave my opinion, so either solve it or don't.  I don't run a Dear Abby so if you want someone who will be incredibly sensitive to your needs, take my advice: CALL YOUR MOM.