Take It From REM: Lose Your Religion

I'm sure you've all seen it...  Two burly men having a yelling contest in a bar.  Whoever screams their opinion the loudest means they are the one who is right.  "No, you're an idiot!" "No, you're the idiot!"  "No, you are!"  Halfway through I am always surprised someone's milk money hasn't been surrendered because these arguments are on the same level as elementary school bullying, and all I keep being reminded of is the scene during "The Sandlot":

But what are these over-sized donkeys even arguing about?  Things that are so stupid and so not bar talk, I could smack everyone involved upside the head.

What is it?  Usually religion and politics.  I've never wanted to quote REM more than this moment right now, but if you take nothing away from this, "consider this, the hint of the century," a bar is your Switzerland; if you bring up religion or politics, you deserve more than a butt-kicking and name calling like "Fart Smeller."

But how do you know when you might have over stepped your bounds?  The awkward turtle.

No, you aren't in a room with deaf people signing to each other or in a room with gang members flashing a new gang sign.  They are telling you, "STFU!"  You've taken buzz kill to a whole new level.  Everyone goes to a bar to ascend to a drunken stupor, but nooooooooooooo, you couldn't let everyone enjoy the hooch for the night.

What fun is it if there isn't a little bar brawl?

I mean, if this situation played out, I'm willing to bet it wouldn't be as glamorous as the quick snapping fingers of the Sharks and the Jets in "West Side Story."  Your language is slurred, your steps are sloppy, and drooling when you are yelling because you can't control it is anything but scary; officially, you're now known as a Sloppy Joe (people want to listen to you as much as they'd like to eat a Manwich, which is not even a little bit).  You would be better off trying to be the gangsters who snap their fingers for intimidation.  We might honestly applaud your coordination.

THE BAR IS SWITZERLAND, (and for those of you who don't get the reference, that means neutral) so either adhere to that or just leave.  We don't care if you are Democrat, Republican, black, white, purple polka dot, or part of Satan's Army, just sit down and shut up.

Keep the Sloppy Joes at home, and don't come to my bar.