A Bartender Is Your Friend, Not Your Girlfriend

Jackpot.  This bar has a good looking bartender and she's into you.  Obviously.  You can see all the signs: she keeps smiling at you, keeps coming back and making conversation (mostly about you and what you do), and your beer mug is always full.

Two scenarios can possibly play out:

1)  You don't want to be the cocky d-bag you know she sees on a daily basis, you pull a slick James Bond move.  You get your credit card receipt and you write your phone number on it.

2)  You ask her for her number, and she pulls out a pen and writes a number on the back of a receipt.

So impressive.  There's no way anyone has ever done that before.  We should start calling you Rico Suave (Swav-ayyy).

Really?!  (I kind of feel as if I'm in an Amy Poehler/ Seth Meyers REALLY?! skit.  It's that obvious.)

And one of two things will play out:

1)  She doesn't call you, but you do receive a phone call from someone named Ruth, telling you, "I eat shmart buscuits everwee day."  (Just want to point out that it would probably break some laws about possible identity theft IF WE KEPT YOUR CREDIT CARD RECEIPTS.)

2)  You get the phone number, wait two days and then call.  Three rings.  "Hello, Domino's Pizza.  How can we help you today?"

Let me give you some great advice:  Your bartender is your friend, not your girlfriend.  It's our job to be nice to you.  We work for tips.  Do you have any idea what the hourly pay for a bartender is?  $2.83.  All joking aside.  So when we say, "We work for tips," we legitimately work for tips.  Now, that you are following, let's finish the word problem...  And how do we get good tips?...  We are nice to customers!

Ohhhhhhhhhh! (Light bulb goes off.)

It never ceases to amaze me how many times a patron mistakes niceness for interest.  It is all around you, in several different scenarios. Your grandmother is nice because she wants hugs; your elementary school teacher was nice because she didn't want to be fired; a dairy farmer is nice to his cows because he doesn't want kicked in the chest.  In all these scenarios, there is no charm and attraction.  (If you're disagreeing with me on this, I'm willing to bet you've seen one too many X-Rated movie.)

As much as you gentleman would love to find a significant other comparable to those in chick flicks, we'd love to find Bill Gates as a regular customer.

Just remember that if a bartender is nice to you, he/she is simply good at his/her job.  Tip accordingly.  If you think I'm off my rocker, I hope you like Chinese take-out.