The Cost of Free

If ever there was a phrase that every bartender could erase from a patrons vocabulary because it is our nails on a chalkboard, it would probably be "Can I have a free one?"

Why?  Because you are using profanity.  If this were a perfect world, I'd go old school disciplinarian on you and offer you an Irish Spring cocktail, so I could wash your mouth out with soap.

Let me tell you what I'd like:  a million dollars, to look like a super model, and a Porsche to drive around in, and that isn't going to happen either.

This is neither a flea market nor a mooch market; you can't bargain your way down to $free.99 or get something for the price of on the house.  And since Terminix doesn't work on getting rid of people, your bartender is forced to deal with this pest issue.

When you ask, "Can I have a free one?", this is what I actually hear.  You are essentially branding yourself with a scarlet letter: C for Cheap.

Obviously I need to get the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future to haunt your Ebeneezer keister till you learn some money manners.

If you get cheap on us, we will pull out the inner child on you.  Remember when your mom used to get on your about cleaning your room, and the more she asked, the less likely you were to do it?  Grab a mirror and wave; meet mom.

I also wish asking for free stuff worked in life.  "Hey, sir, no don't order any drinks, can you give me a 20-dollar-bill and leave, please?"  Doesn't sound right to you?  Well, if you aren't willing to give me your money for nothing, don't expect alcohol for nothing.

SIDE NOTE: If you want to learn what else not to say to your bartender (that we hear too often) click here.